My best friend.

On February 12th, 2019 (almost two weeks ago now) my life changed. To me, pets are family. Those furry, four legged creatures come into our lives and forever change and impact us, leaving prints all over our hearts. Almost two weeks ago, I had to say goodbye to the the dog that became my best friend. The pet that influenced me and changed my life more than I can explain well enough to put into words.

Chuck came into my life during my senior year of college, five years ago. According to the vets, he was somewhere between 4-6 weeks but they weren't sure. No one claimed him.. I kept him.

He was there for so many events in my life. Five years of events. My college graduation. My first teaching job. Multiple drives to and from NC to NJ. My move back to NJ. My move back to California (he needed some puppy Xanax for that long car ride). He was there when I lived with my grandparents. He was there the night I met my boyfriend, Austin. The passing of my Nonno. Studying for my teaching exam. Landing my dream job at the middle school I attended. Family drama. Friend drama. More family drama. More friend drama. Moving in with Austin. Finding and adopting Polka. During the happy times Chuck was there wagging his tail by my side. During the sad, lost, lonely, and heartbroken times he was there laying with me licking my tears away. He was seriously a licker. There was talk about sending him off to Lickers Anonymous haha! But that's just how he showed his love. And oh boy did he love!

Where I went, Chuck followed. He laid on my bathroom rug while I showered, and stared at me while I peed... too much information? Sorry! The second I said "walk" to him there was no chill. I mean walking around the apartment, whining like crazy, jumping up and down. That excitement actually excited me for our walks and jogs. We'd come home and he'd plop his body on the cold, tile floor, tongue hanging out a big smile on his face.

My favorite thing about my sweet Chuck? Hands down, no competition. His cuddles. I would lay down in bed or on the couch and he would roll himself in a small ball behind my legs and rest his head on my lap or back. I miss those cuddles.

It all happened so fast. One day he was fine, and the next we were rushing him to the vet because he could barely breathe and he was coughing up blood, and losing blood from his nose. They told us he needed to go to the emergency vet, "but no rush because he's stable and his lungs sound fine". Really? That night we slept 0. Monday morning we rushed him to the emergency vet, where they ran tests and voiced their concern SEVERAL TIMES. One things for sure, they were looking out for the best interest of Chuck. After abdominal and chest x-rays and ultrasounds, blood tests, and removing more than 600 mL of fruit punch-colored liquid from his chest, we still had NO definitive answers. Main consensus was a cancerous tumor on his right lung, which looked to also be wrapped around the other lung.

It's one of the HARDEST decisions to have to make in life... when is it time to say goodbye? When do you keep fighting? How hard do you fight? Actually, I think it is the hardest decision to make. And Monday night (the 11th) I wasn't ready to make that decision. So I kept fighting. I kept trying to save my Chuck. He was hospitalized over night, kept in an oxygen case, had IVs of fluids, and 24/7 care from a critical care veterinarian trying to stabilize him. Some may think that's crazy... but like I said I was not ready. You'd do it for any family member. My dogs are part of my family. Chuck was my best friend in the world.

That night I thought a lot. I even told Austin that if it's cancer, if he doesn't stabilize over night, if the only chance of survival is surgery and that's not even a guarantee, that it was time. That I, or we, would have to say goodbye to him. I said it while bawling into the palms of my hands. It wasn't an easy decision, but I couldn't put him through a surgery just for him to lose his life on the table, without me there, scared and alone. I also couldn't put him through months or years of chemotherapy and pain. Chuck was known for his energy, for his happiness. I couldn't be selfish just because I didn't want to do life without him.

Tuesday morning I received a call from the critical care vet. "You should come spend time with Chuck." Those words will forever echo in my head. I knew exactly what it meant. I knew what I was going there to do. I grabbed his favorite blanket and got in the car with Austin. Chuck was still in his oxygen case when we got there. Blood was coming out of his nose. His ears were white. His gums and tongue were white. His eyes looked up at me. He looked so sad. The vet sat there explaining the next steps while we pet him through the case. I could actually feel my heart breaking.

We brought him into a small room, he laid on a blanket, and I laid his favorite blanket over him. Laying on him like I always have, giving him so much love and talking to him through the tears. I'm so sorry. I love you so much. I don't know what I'm going to do without you. You are the best friend a girl could have. You filled my life with so much joy, love & life lessons. Thank you for saving me. I love you so much. And he looked up to me, as I held his face in my hands, as if to say; I'm going to be okay, and happy, and pain-free. You will be okay. I promise. I will always be with you. Thank you for saving me. I love you so much.

As fast as he came into my life, he now left this Earth. Tears ran down my face. And I thought about how much I loved that dog. About all the times I went through with him by my side. How he always made me feel better. And now I was going to have to do so many things without him. One day (hopefully), engagement pictures will be taken.. He wont be in them. One day (hopefully), I'll have sweet babies.. He wont be there to lay by them, like I always pictured he would. Today and every day after that one, I would have to go home without him. I will never ever get to see him jump up on me and give me sweet kisses when I got home from work, or prancing around at the dog park, or fighting over a toy with Polka. I would never be able to hear his "demon noises" when we play, or jump in the air to catch a ball. I will never be able to spend a lazy Sunday on the couch, with him laying on my legs, snoozing while I pet his soft head and ears.

One thing I will always do is be grateful for the five years that I did get with him. Though it wasn't enough time, he was made to be my dog & I was made to be his fur mama. For those that don't understand, I can't explain it anymore than I already have. Chuck was just one of the best things to ever happen to me. My heart will forever have his paw prints all over it. I will forever love him and miss him. Until we meet again.

#angeldog #dogmom #petloss #bestfriend #sayinggoodbye #furmama #gonetoosoon

Chuck Bass. Forever in my heart <3